19岁艾滋病少女后悔的放纵生活
http://www.sina.com.cn 2010年11月22日10:53 健康168
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| 图示∶2010年12月即将出版的《中国特色医疗金鉴》登载的刘君主任及其机构 |
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我和J(代名)接触的全部时间加起来不足8个小时。她是一名只有19岁的艾滋病患者。认识J是通过她发来的电子邮件：我是一名19岁的艾滋病患者，也许我将不久于人世。有些话想对你说说，不知你是否信任我并愿意听。如果愿意，告诉我你的电话，我会和你联系。
此后，我接到一个男人的电话，说是J的朋友。他告诉我，J将在3月20日上午10：00，在天津伊势丹商场门前等我，如果超过半个小时后我仍然没有到，那么，她将不会再跟我联系。我问对方：“我怎么知道哪一个人是她呢？”男人犹豫了一下，说：“你看见商场门口最漂亮的一个女孩子就是她。”
直到准时出现在约定的地点，我对J是否能够如约前来仍然没有把握，不知道这会不会是一个“游戏”。
10点10分，一个至少有1米72以上、极其消瘦的女孩子蹲著大步伐向我走过来。她很漂亮，除了明显的苍白和衰弱，形象几乎完美无缺。她有一头棕红色的短发，整、顺滑，在阳光下幽然闪光。她说她就是J。我习惯性地伸出手，她的手只在空气中挥一下就放下了。她说话时嘴角轻轻牵动，速度很快，没有笑容。
几乎大半天的时间，我们是在南开大学附近的一个小西餐厅里度过的。那里有可以上网的电脑、来自各地的时尚杂志和摆放在每一个铺著格子布的餐桌上已经不太新鲜的玫瑰花。我曾经试著从聚在前台小声聊天的服务生们的眼光中搜寻与众不同的神色，但她们看著J和我的眼神的确与对任何顾客都没有什么不一样。茶水端上来的时候，J示意服务生退下去。她没有给我斟茶，而是很自然地从随身携带的双肩背包里取出一个旅行用的水杯放在面前。她说：“咱们喝茶吧。”
如果说在和J的接触过程中曾经有过可以叫做感伤或者怜惜的情绪，我想，应该就是这个时候。直到写下这些回忆，我仍然可以清晰地看见她的形象从所有复杂的背景上单纯地升起来，仍然可以听见她淡淡地说这句家常的话———咱们喝茶吧。而我们两个人都明白，过了这一天，就注定一生都不可能再有机会一起喝茶了。
那天离开小餐厅之前，J始终没有起立过，她定定地坐在我的对面，缓慢而有条理地细数从她“有记忆以来”的经历。她说：“想跟你说这些，有一个很重要的原因，我已经放弃了治疗。我想我应该快一点离开这个世界，免得自己痛苦，也免得贻害别人。”
一个19岁的女孩子，她的经历能有多么复杂呢？有一瞬间，J的面容渐渐沉进那潮水般往事的底里，透过这一切，我看见19岁的自己坐在公共汽车站旁边的石头台阶上，看街头的红男绿女，盼著能早些大学毕业了去挣钱来买一支口红。
J的第一支口红出现在还差21天就是16岁生日的那个晚上。黄昏回家的女孩子看到了母亲的出轨和父亲的绝望，第一次明白了这就是命运——以后的自己将孤苦无助。母亲和不认识的男人坦然离去，临出门，留下了10块钱。那薄薄的一张纸捏在手里仿佛禁不住小小的一阵风，J说，当晚发生了那么多事情，但她没有花掉那10块钱，因为想不好是不是应该把它作为对母亲离家的惟一纪念。以后，即使在最窘迫的日子里，这10块钱一直像救命稻草一样放在身边，和预感的一样，母亲再没有回来。
那天是J第一次在陌生的房子里过夜。清晨离开的时候，她哭了。她没有拿那个人的钱，她觉得她不要任何补偿，因为这个世界上没有人能补偿一个女孩子突然终止和丧失的青春。她只要了一支口红——那个人是从南方到北方来推销化妆品的业务员，偶然相识以后，曾经告诉过J，如果她愿意，可以带她走。
J没有再让那个人找到过她。她开始过著放纵的生活。她有钱了，有了各式各样的化妆品，也有了短暂的欢娱和长久的不愉快的记忆。J说：“我常常不知道自己在为什么活著。但有一点很明确，我不会结婚，不会要孩子的。我害怕我的孩子有和我一样的经历。我常常想，要是有一天，我妈妈还能想起我，还想了解我的事情，希望有人告诉她，活著的时候，我很好，没有抱怨过什么。我只有一个问题想问她：如果早就决定了要这么对待我，当初为什么还要把我带到这个世上？”
J是从发现自己的感冒总是不能痊愈开始隐约意识到危险的。她坐在网吧里，用了整整一个下午来查寻有关艾滋病的一切。第二天，她跑了很远的路，到了另一个城市，隐姓埋名地去医院化验、在街头闲逛著等化验结果、取了化验单之后像逃跑一样地离开……冬至的黄昏，她一个人把家里能用水洗的东西都洗了一遍。然后，她开始细细地洗澡。J说：“我知道怎么洗也不能把自己洗干净了。”
深居简出的日子就是从这个时候开始的。如果要维持游丝一般的性命，每年最少要8万元，J没有那么多钱。“我没想到这么一种病，反而让我安静下来了，也变成了一个规矩人。我不和任何人有亲密的接触，尽量少到公共场所，我不在外面吃饭，为了不用人家的餐具；只要能走路去的地方就不坐车，为了不沾别人也要沾的东西；我耐不住寂寞了也去去酒吧，但我不和别人搭话，只喝听装的饮料，因为觉得那种包装可能不可回收……我知道这种病不会通过这些传染给别人，可我忍不住就是要这么做。”
J把她的小旅行杯抱在怀里，轻轻地呵气，茶水的热气嘘到她的脸上，惨白之中略略渗出一点血色：“我找你还有一个原因，就是想告诉你，其实我是很后悔过去的。我相信这个世界上一定还有女孩子会有和我一样的遭遇，甚至可能有的人家发生的事情会比我家的事还糟糕，但这些都不是让一个人去糟蹋自己的借口。我想做一个坏榜样，成为这些人的前车之鉴。”
凝视眼前这个用3年时间走完了道德两极的女孩子，我只有认真地点头。
告别的时候，J送给我一只玫瑰胸花。她说：“想了很长时间，应该送给你一件什么礼物。送鲜花，你会看著它枯萎；送干花，总是半死不活的样子。后来看见了这个，才8块钱，可是什么时候看见都是漂亮的，就给你买了。希望你以后还能想起我来。”
等待服务生来结帐的当儿，J突然紧紧盯住我问道：“你为什么不怀疑我在给你讲一个故事，还要大老远地跑来听？”我们的目光牢牢地交汇在一起，我说：“来之前，我没有把握。看见你，我就知道我对了。因为，你戴的是假发。”
这是第一次也是最后一次，J的眼睛里充满了眼泪，那是在她讲述母亲离家、父亲自杀和自己拿著化验单走在夜晚的异乡街头时不曾有过的。她哽住了很长时间才开口说话：“对这3年来发生的事情，我什么都不抱怨，但是我有至少一千次后悔的理由。”
离开J以后，我总是会在不经意中想起她说的话：“每个人都必须为自己做的事情付出代价。”想起这句话，眼前就会出现她慢慢地、慢慢地把那顶漂亮的假发轻轻从头上拉下来，稀疏的头发仿佛没有生命一般贴在她的头皮上。以后，也许这个形象就会逐渐被其他形象取代，没有人记得有过这样一个女孩子和她讲过的、发生在自己身上的事情。———这就是J付出的代价。
离开J以后，我常常在想，我们总是不屑于那些来自书本、来自他人或者来自长辈的经验和教训，是不是一定要生活本身发出沉重而致命的一击之后，才会意识到，原来所有的危险正是我们自己悄悄种下的，就像年轻的J为自己种下后悔的理由？
19-year-old girl regret the indulgence of life of AIDS
http://www.sina.com.cn 2010 年 11 月 22 日 10:53 168 health
I and J (nominee) add up all the time in contact less than 8 hours. She is an only 19-year-old AIDS. Understanding of J is sent by her e-mail: I am a 19-year-old AIDS patient, maybe I long to live. Some words to tell you, I wonder if you trust me and are willing to listen. If you like, tell me your phone, and I will contact you.
Since then, I received a man's phone, said to be J's friends. He told me, J will be 10:00 am March 20, in Tianjin in front of Isetan shopping malls such as me, if more than half an hour later, I still do not have to, then she will not talk to me. I asked each other: "how do I know which person is her?" The man hesitated, and said: "You see the mall entrance of the most beautiful a girl is her."
Until the time appears in the agreed place, I can come for a J is still not sure, do not know if it will be a "game."
10:10, one at least more than 1 meter 72, an extremely thin girl squatting big step came up to me. She was beautiful, in addition to obvious pale and weak, the image is almost perfect. She has a reddish brown short hair, sharp, smooth, quiet in the sun, then flash. She said she was J. I habitually reached out her hand waving in the air only to look to put down. She spoke gently affect the mouth, very fast, without a smile.
Almost half a day, we are near the Nankai University spent a small western restaurants. There are computers with Internet access, from all over the fashion magazines and placed at each table was covered with plaid has been very fresh roses. I have tried to gather in the foreground from the waiter whispered chat with the eyes of their search for distinctive look, but they looked at J and my eyes do with any clients who are no different. When tea was served, J motioned the waiter back down. She did not give me Zhencha, but very naturally from the shoulders to carry out a backpack on the front glass used for travel. She said: "Let's have some tea."
If the contact in the process and J have had can be called sentimental pity or emotion, I think it should be that this time. Until writing these memories, I can still clearly see the image of her background from all the complex simply rise up, you can still hear the phrase she said dismissively, homely words --- we have some tea. The two of us understand that after this day, his life is destined to never again have the opportunity to have tea together.
That left the small restaurant before, J has not stood up, and she set to be sitting across from me, slowly and methodically from her breakdown, "a memory since the" experience. She said: "Would you say this, there is a very important reason, I have to give up treatment. I think I should leave this world a little faster, so their pain and avoid harming others."
A 19-year-old girl, her experience how complicated can it? For a moment, J's face gradually sink into the exact details of that flood of memories, through it all, I saw the 19-year-old bus station next to his sitting on the stone steps, watching the streets of Guys and Dolls, hoping to graduate early was to make money to buy a lipstick.
J lipsticks in the first 21 days short of 16th birthday that night. The evening saw the girls home, mother's and father's despair derailment, the first to understand this is fate - he would later helpless. Mother and frankly do not know the man left, the Pro out, leaving 10 dollars. The thin piece of paper in my hand like a small gust of wind could not help, J said, so many things happened that night, but she did not spend that 10 dollars is not bad because I wanted it as a mother should The only memorial home. Later, even in the most embarrassing days, it has been 10 bucks on the side like a straw, and a feeling the same, the mother did not come back.
It was the first time J in a strange house for the night. Early in the morning to leave, she cried. She did not take that person's money, she felt she did not want any compensation, because no one in this world can compensate for the loss of a girl abruptly terminated and youth. She just had a lipstick - that person is from the South to the North to sell cosmetics salesman, after an acquaintance had told J, if she prefer, you can take her away.
J did not let that person to find her. She began to live a life of indulgence. Her rich, with a wide range of cosmetics, has also been short-lived pleasure and long-term unpleasant memories. J said: "I often do not know the why the living. But one thing is clear, I will not marry, not to have children. I was afraid my children and I have the same experience. I often think, if one day I can remember my mother, want to know me and want someone to tell her, alive, I'm fine, do not complain about anything. I have only one question to ask her: If you already decided to be so treated I am, why would even brought me to this world? "
J is not always found their cure a cold start vaguely aware of danger. She sat in cafes, spent a whole afternoon to search everything about AIDS. The next day, she ran a very long way, to another city, go to the hospital incognito tests, hanging out in the streets and other test results, after taking a test like the one run away ... ... the winter solstice as the evening, she was a person to things are at home washing can wash it again. Then, she began to thin to take a bath. J said: "I can not know how to wash himself clean out."
Secluded this time of the day is from the beginning. If you want to maintain the gossamer general's life, at least 8 million a year, J is not so much money. "I did not expect such a disease, but let me calm down, man has become a rule. I do not have any intimate contact, as little as possible to a public place, I'm not out to eat, others to do the dishes ; as long as the car is not the place to go walking, do not stick to what others have to stick; me lost and lonely are gonna go the bar, but I do not and others in a word, drink cans of drinks, because I think that types of packaging may not be recovered ... ... I know that this disease is not transmitted to others through these, but I can not help is to do this. "
J travel mug her in her arms a small, gently air Oh, hush the heat tea to her face, pale and a little blood leaking slightly into: "I find you have a reason, just want to tell you In fact, I regret the past. I believe there must be a girl in this world and I have the same experience, some people may even happen at home than I do worse things, but these are not a person to an excuse to spoil yourself. I want to be a bad example, as these people a lesson. "
The staring eyes finish in 3 years the moral poles of the girls, I only nodded seriously.
Time to say farewell, J gave me a rose corsage. She said: "If you want a long time, what should give you a gift. Send flowers, you will watch it wither; send dried flowers, always look half dead. Then saw this, only 8 dollars, but what nice to see all the time, will buy you a. I hope you still remember me after. "
Waiting for the moment waiter checkout, J suddenly firmly stick to me and asked: "Why do not you doubt me tell you a story, but also came all the way to listen to?" Meets our eyes firmly together, I said: "Before, I was not sure. see you, I know I'm right. because you wear a wig."
This is the first and last time, J's eyes filled with tears, it is about her mother left home, his father committed suicide and his own laboratory holding a foreign land alone walk in the night when the streets never had. She choked a long time to speak: "this happened 3 years, I do not complain, but I have reason to regret at least a thousand times."
J left, I always think of her inadvertently saying: "Everyone must do their own pay." Think of this sentence, there will be her eyes and slowly, slowly that the top nice wig gently pull down from the head, sparse hair not life in general seem to stick in her scalp. Later, perhaps this image will be gradually replaced by other images, no one ever remember a girl and told her, and things happen to them. --- This is the J costs.
J left, I often think, we always bothered those from books, from others or from the experiences and lessons learned elders, is not life itself must be given a heavy blow after the deadly, will be aware of , the original of all the danger is that we have quietly planted, like a young J regret for their own reasons for planting?
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